take a deep breath

And you need some outlet, don’t you? Some place to put that rage and worry and anxiety and those shitty thoughts. Some other place to physically put them out of your mind, if you could. Physically take them from the mind and place them elsewhere. Because if not, they’ll be the ruin of you; they’ll eat you alive and they’ll kill you. I mean, they will actually kill the man that you thought you were, that you have been to this point, and that you anticipate becoming; and will make you somebody / something else. It’ll be a slow transition and one that, ironically, you will recognize and actually appreciate to some extent - like the mild joy and wry smile that comes with the absolute silence and peaceful heightening of senses that come just before a car accident. Because you at that point are not actually anticipating the accident just yet, but you are instead enjoying the earth slowing down for you to observe it...and you just observe...but then it’s over, the car suddenly hits the tree and the embankment and the explosive immediacy of the departure of your soul is just that, immediate. And then there’s no turning back. And you’re different. And things are weird and half dead and awkward, like conversation is just painful and meaningless. And nothing is quite right and getting a grip on things is impossible and you’re an outsider to everything, which Venn diagram-wise is a bit difficult to imagine. And your right eye is not just getting lazy and drooping a bit but it’s actually now producing a pus that you under no circumstances will touch with your fingers for fear of spreading it and so it just sort of drips down over the flap of your turtle eyelids and onto your face onto the top of your cheek and...

...take a deep breath...

...and stop clenching your fists and look at the horizon for a minute and unfocus your eyes and let the twitch in your eyelid pass and get a tissue to wipe up and look at yourself in the mirror and promise to get a haircut before you go into public again and know that nothing is actually as bad as it is inside your shitty head. And if you have all these dreams, just know that they are useless until you try them out and you might find out that it is actually funny to see some of those dreams as realities and, fuck, without them, without those crazy dreams, how are you ever going to sleep at night anyway?